Today I was pleased to be flying off to my favourite escape in West Cork for a few days, 1. for a rest, 2. to grab some photographic opportunities and 3. to finish up doing domestic maintenance. However, to be in with any chance of getting to even just the 'all other passengers' queue (Who feels they are mugs rather than smug when standing in the priority queue?) I had had to go through a now familiar and exhausting routine...
To book a ticket
Input an unrecognisable captcha.
How many bags are you taking? Do you want priority boarding? Insurance? Text notification? Would you like to buy a new bag? Have you read the terms & conditions? Are you really sure you don't want insurance? What about car hire?
Give us your contact email - twice please. Oh, and your mobile number.
Now (rubbing hands) payment please? Forget the price we told you before, we are going to stitch you up 'cos you don't have our cash passport (Ha ha ha!) that other card you had that used to allow free transactions - that is sooo yesterday!
Breeeeeathe Get card unblocked
Go through the process all over again
Yep, ok this time. What about a hotel?
Phew, just leave me alone!
Tell us you will turn up on the day. Input the reference code, you know, the one in that email you can't find. You remember your date of birth but bet you can't remember your passport number? United Kingdom is hidden in the list by the way.
Are you sure you don't want to check in another bag?
Now use a piece of your paper so we can tear it up and keep a third of it to add to a big pile of paper.
Sooo, you checked in a bag this time? We don't really like bags, unless they are a bit big or a bit heavy. (ha ha!) Stand with that bag in this long queue behind that late-comer who is on the last call for Rimini and can't find their paperwork. Tsk!
Is that your cabin bag? Can we weigh it and then do a Cinderella trick with it in this tubular frame. Ok. That lady behind you - the handbag has to go inside your already fit-to-burst wheelie-case... Lets shout that instruction at you again as it appears you don't speak the same language and then it will make everyone look at you.
Step over loudly sighing, squatting lady trying to do magic with bags, to wait with fellow passengers on the cold damp stairs (surely not naughty stairs?) whilst the really nice cabin crew do a 10 minute blitz through the newly arrived plane for us.
...Don't you just love low fares airlines?!
Well, actually, I have an undecided 'yeast extract' relationship with them.
I play their game, and to date, I haven't failed to arrive in my destination.
Oh but the best bit? Todays exceedingly windy weather meant a battle with 150mph head winds which, annoyingly for the airline, made us late but thankfully spared us the cheesy fanfare upon landing.